personal: Unexpected deviations

Well, I had many other things to post about. Personal developments, leaving Amsterdam and how that felt, further thoughts from the last posts about "Patterns" etc.

But instead I have bad news to tell.

My mother fell this weekend, breaking her her femur above the knee. Hospitalized, minimum recovery time 1.5 months, operation was yesterday and that went well. Hopefully she will regain well, especially her mobility and knee flexibility.

Well, I had many other things to post about. Personal developments, leaving Amsterdam and how that felt, further thoughts from the last posts about "Patterns" etc.

But instead I have bad news to tell.

My mother fell this weekend, breaking her her femur above the knee. Hospitalized, minimum recovery time 1.5 months, operation was yesterday and that went well. Hopefully she will regain well, especially her mobility and knee flexibility.

I’m left to deal with all her paper work to enter the French system, sort out medical costs, take care of cats/fishes while she is in re-education, receive/arrange all her household boxes from Amsterdam etc.

My flight to the states is in question and I may loose the room I have found there, really not sure.

Staying here long enough to sort my mother’ situation will imply sorting myself out here too, as I have no income, no med. insurance either etc.

It was never my plan to be in France, and I really wanted to get to the states well before the summer [festival] season.

This whole situation puts everything back in question [again] and has left me frustrated. It’s already been 5 months that I have been helping my mother to move from Amsterdam to France and I thought I was at the end of that. Before that I was traveling since August 2006 – so it’s been a very long time since I have been rooted, productive, working – and I really wanted to get my roots going somewhere again! But not here.

This also brings up a longstanding balancing issue:

on the one side: my sense of responsibility, integrity. And on the other: my sense of autonomy, personal freedom. At the moment this exact issue is being pressured to the very hilt! I’m close to breaking point.

Hope things are all good for you,

Much love,

Sebastian.

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6 Comments

  1. comment
    Hey Seb,

    Sorry to hear about Christien. I hope things are going better already. I am assuming you have decided to go to Portland by your facebook status. I can imagine that was a tough decision. No philosophy from me, although your decision is one of action, so I might call it zen in that you have found peace in taking a decision instead of brooding on it…

    I think taking the other decision would most likely have lead to regret and resentment in the long run, so I commend your boldness.

    Look forward to having a chat with you soon,

    Best wishes,
    Chimed

  2. comment
    Thank you Chimed and Bruce.

    Well, my mother is better now, she’s moved to a re-education center – and her landlord is turning out to be very kind and helpful – taking care of the cats, plants and also visiting my mother bringing her things she needs, a real god send!

    Yes, in the end I made a decision to leave to Portland as planned [im writing this from my first day in Portland!]. My flight could not be postponed or canceled, and I had also already paid for a months rent – so I would have lost all that; plus yet more time… for me it really was not an obvious decision.

    Bruce: I am very sorry to hear that Kathy’s grandmother has passed away, my sincere condolences.

  3. comment
    Instead we can reflect on the fact that how we relate to this mess will be sowing the seeds for how we will relate with whatever comes next.

    Well said.

    My sympathies for you as working out details of big plans takes longer and is more trying than you anticipated, and also for lack of wellness of your beloved family member!

    Kathy’s grandma died a couple of days ago, which was expected, even anticipated, but still quite a process to go through.

    Sending you light in your time of difficulty,
    Bruce 🙂

    PS http://picasaweb.google.com/bruce.scanlon/Merkaba

  4. comment
    In portland now? Go you!

    So glad things are working out well for your mother.

    Hmmm, we are starting to know quite a few people in portland, maybe if you’re still there a visit in 2009…? We shall see!

  5. comment
    Thanks Lucy.

    I’ve received much wise words from many places, one which I found most fitting for my situation was a Buddhist belief:

    “Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news, as an opportunity to ‘wake up’. Try not to ‘solve’ the problem, but instead to use it as a question about how to let this very situation wake us up further. When we find ourselves in a mess, we don’t have to feel bad about it. Instead we can reflect on the fact that how we relate to this mess will be sowing the seeds for how we will relate with whatever comes next.”

  6. comment
    Someone once asked a great sheikh what Sufism was.
    “The feeling of joy when sudden disappointment comes.”

    Don’t grieve for what doesn’t come.
    Some things that don’t happen,
    keep disasters from happening.

    (quoted from poem ‘Joy at Sudden Disappointment’ by Rumi)

    A friend just quoted this to me, then i read your blog.
    Seemed about the best thing i could say or, at least, the best thing I could think of to say quickly so that, finally, I post a comment at the exact moment i’m reading your words 🙂

    Love & light.

    Lucy.

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