Words.science


English trip part 4… Revamp to the 50’s

So Bibi arrives in London, I spend some time waiting for her in an internet cafe and walking around a park. She is delayed. I contemplated all manner of thing, what had become unclear to me was, what Bibi and I would become.

When I first met Bibi, I fell in love with her at first sight. But that was more than a year ago – and back then things didn’t really get going properly, due perhaps to where we both were in life. But now that I had been back from my world trip, we had been hanging out together as friends for several months, the friendship was blooming.

So Bibi arrives in London, I spend some time waiting for her in an internet cafe and walking around a park. She is delayed. I contemplated all manner of thing, what had become unclear to me was, what Bibi and I would become.

When I first met Bibi, I fell in love with her at first sight. But that was more than a year ago – and back then things didn’t really get going properly, due perhaps to where we both were in life. But now that I had been back from my world trip, we had been hanging out together as friends for several months, the friendship was blooming.

I knew deep inside I would be fine if we just stayed friends, but I was also keen on knowing if we could actually become a couple – maybe things were different now?

Before I left to England, things seemed to be moving in the direction of us becoming quite serious together – at least, this is what we started discussing in words with each other – but now before her arrival in England, Bibi expressed confusion and uncertainty concerning us being together. So my expectations were unclear. All I knew is I wanted to have a nice time, enjoy the moment, and enjoy Bibi’s company, no matter what transcended.

My time for contemplation was over, Bibi appeared at the tube station – shinning and with a big smile wearing red. We popped back into the train and went to stay with her London [extended] family and prepare for the dancing costume 50’s party that night. This was a very peaceful day, fun packed with shopping for accessories and dressing up. As the night came to pass, the entire family was in hilariously-exotic-humorous attire! Bibi transformed into a real 50’s queen and I was very proud to have her as my date for the evening. It really felt like I was going to the prom! She looked stunningly beautiful [as usual].

The night itself was great, I did my humble best to do 50’s dance moves [solo and as twisting couples] – and then we walked the London night streets in search of our home bound cab company when the last dance was done.

In the light that shown over this era, I felt that Bibi and I were getting closer, and it felt to me that the moment of confusion was passing. I felt like we were more enjoying the present, less focussed on ideas of what the future should be; and this is what I wanted, so I was happy.

For several days this happiness progressed until it acquiesced. We did what couples might do while they pick-nick in the park, we were happy, we hid underneath trees while it rained, we danced, we skipped, life was good.

But then things drifted, distance formed in the gaps between the words, and I could sense departure settle in. Things became more one sided but at first I did not act because I wanted to also give things time and space to develop unhindered; for clouds to pass and moods to fill spaces and reform as nature would.

As the 5 days came to a close, it had become obvious to me that the gap was now a rift which would not reseal without words, so we talked.

Sadly from what was said, I did not see any solid mutual feelings regarding our viability as a couple. It was hard on the spot to make the right turn, although I knew it’s existence was determined.

We got back over Holland, the sun gave us its final beam as we were in turn greeted by a thick layer of clouds and rain. The plane dived at high speed straight in nose first without hesitation.

After a day of contemplation, it became clear to me that the previous years cycle between us had not changed, as this time around things were panning out identically to last, so the best thing I could do was make that shift inside of me from a solid “yes” to a sure “no”, in relation to our relation. Bibi is a really special woman whom I really love, and I’d rather have her as my friend than not at all. And what else can I do anyways? But let the one you love go…

Besides, I know that there will be someone in this life who I will love and who will love me, so I am not afraid to let someone go while still loving and respecting her, and myself all at the same time. I trust. And that trust is in me. There is no anger, there was some sadness – but nothing extreme, just natural normal sadness; there was mainly peace and thankfulness for all that had been, was and will be. I feel deeply mature.

The most remarkable thing I find is that last year when I met Bibi, I learned that I had been in a pattern in my romantic relationships that needed breaking. This year what I learned from my experience with Bibi was not that I there was something wrong with me, but rather that there is nothing wrong with me at all! Exactly the opposite conclusion: surprising, empowering.

It’s my birthday today, so I’m going to get going with my day, 31 years on the 31st! Nice! Birthdays are cool! It’s neat to be able to celebrate birth.

In the last 2 or 3 weeks since I am back there has been much more news and thoughts to tell – sigh – it shall have to wait!

Lot’s of luck to you all,

Sebastian.